Lord Death and Parenthood
by mercersburgrachel
Summary: Somewhat AU. Hades is alive, baby Robin doesn't exist, and this is Zelena's first pregnancy. What happens when the Lord of the Dead goes into overprotective dad mode? Zades fluff.
1. Anxiety

Hades had woken up in the middle of the night for the third time in a row, and it wasn't because he had a nightmare. It was worry. The reason for his distress was curled up next to him, red curls spilling over onto his chest. He envied her ability to shut off her mind and rest, but he supposed it was a mortal thing. She couldn't sense things the way he did. And right now he had to be on top of his game.

Two heartbeats. As long as he heard the steady rhythms of hearts belong to mother and child, things would be fine. And that's what he was doing now while she slept, listening for signs of life.

One benefit of being a god, the god of death to be specific, was the ability to sense life and all its particulars. It came with the job description: he was in charge of the dead, and the dead were once alive after all. Hence, he could tell just by using his magic how much longer a mortal had before they ended up in his domain. Or, in this case, if they were pregnant. And the mortal occupying his bed definitely was.

Zelena was exactly 5 weeks, 8 hours, 24 minutes, and 10 seconds away from going into labor, and his anxiety had gone through the roof. Ever since he found out she was carrying his child, a demigod, he had gone into overprotective boyfriend mode. Was their bed comfortable enough for her? Was she eating enough? Even though he knew the baby's vitals were perfect, he had to double check. And then triple check. Over 2,000 years old and he was about to become a father for the first time. He was determined to not screw it up.

Satisfied that his beloved and the baby were fine for now, he settled back into the pillows, wrapping an arm around her stomach. His precious little hellspawn was kicking away under his fingers, no doubt causing Zelena great discomfort. Pregnancy was difficult enough, but the baby was half god, and her mother was mortal. A powerful witch, but not immune to the strain this particular pregnancy was putting on her body.

"Easy there Princess, easy." He whispered, rubbing his hand in a circular motion.

"Let Mama sleep." Their daughter was strong, and not only physically. He could sense the little one's magic already, no doubt having inherited raw power from Zelena and godly special abilities from him, probably his immortality.

He kept talking to the baby for what seemed like hours, making sure she knew how much she was loved. It calmed his mind- telling his heiress he would give her Mt. Olympus if she desired it. His brother's reaction would be priceless, anyway. Worth the trip.

"Hades?" He heard Zelena mumble, shifting to face her incredibly doting lover.

"Yes, my queen? My goddess?" The Lord of the Dead was now in full on panic mode, searching Zelena's face for any signs of pain. Was something wrong? Oh god was there something wrong with his senses? He should have been more alert…

"I love you, but shut the hell up. It's 3 AM." He relaxed. She was just grumpy. Nothing to be concerned about.

"Sorry babe."

She tensed. "Call me babe one more time and I'll incinerate you." There was the sass he loved so much.

"Night, my little green bean."

In retrospect, provoking his hormonal girlfriend was not his brightest idea. She opened one eye, and he should have known that even in pregnancy, she wasn't to be messed with. He was evicted from their bed by one strong push, landing on the floor with a thump.


	2. Irritation

Zelena really hated being pregnant. She knew her due date was only three weeks away, but the constant back aches and sciatica nerve pain were making her downright miserable. Everything hurt, and if Hades were home right now she'd kill him. Unfortunately, he was away in the Underworld on business (something about a meeting with the Fates, she was half asleep when he told her), so homicide would have to be put on hold for now. What a shame.

She was lounging on the sofa with a cup of tea, as she did every afternoon, spellbook open in her lap. After the third round of forgotten memories (and she _might_ have been the cause of one of those cases), the Charming's thought it best to be prepared in case there would be another. And Zelena, obviously being smarter than everyone else, offered to help. But somehow she got distracted and was studying up on necromancy. Oops.

"We're late! The boss is gonna feed us to Cerberus!"

Zelena closed her book, conjuring a fireball for good measure. Who dared enter her home without her permission?

"OW! Get off me!"

"Sorry, sorry. Where'd he say she was?"

Zelena didn't have to wait long to find out who, or what, these babbling morons were. They stumbled into her living room and immediately dropped into a bow.

"Pain and Panic, reporting for duty!" _Oh Lord._

"Don't tell me he sent you to check up on me." The pink and blue demons started trembling, clearly afraid of her. Everyone in the Underworld knew who she was, either as Hades' lover or as the woman that killed them.

"WE'RE SORRY! PLEASE DON'T KILL US! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!" She really, _really,_ didn't have time for this. Scowling, she threw them aside and walked to the kitchen.

"Go irritate someone else."

"Can't. You see, we've been given strict orders. Plus, Hades said he'd maim us if we failed our mission." The god's concern for her was sweet, and she appreciated it, but she had a low tolerance for stupidity. And it seemed her daughter agreed, sending a strong kick to her already inflamed ribs.

"Alright, if you want to be useful, take me to Regina's."

The baby's magic had not meshed with her own very well, making teleportation almost impossible. Not only was it incredibly taxing physically, it seemed the little diva decided where she wanted her mother to go and when. It was much easier if someone else did it for her.

"Hades said"- Zelena's eyes narrowed, effectively cutting off the minion's protest.

"I don't care what he said. We're going to Regina's, and if Mr. Overlord Supreme has a problem with that, then he can deal with it."

Pain and Panic looked at each other, simultaneously deciding that Zelena's wrath would be worse than their boss'. Each grabbing a hold of her hand, they disappeared.

Zelena had to steady herself upon arrival, leaning on one of the front columns to catch her breath. It seemed that any kind of magical transportation upset the baby, and as a result she suddenly felt nauseous. However, throwing up on her sister's porch was simply not an option: she was stronger than that. Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the door, holding her stomach with one hand. The baby still had not calmed down, rolling around like crazy in her womb. When Regina opened the door, Zelena exhaled in relief. In case she had to vomit, her sister's bathroom would be a bit more refined.

"Good afternoon, sis." Regina greeted her elder "sibling with a genuine smile, pleased that Zelena was finally getting comfortable around her and the rest of her family (well, enough to willingly stop by for family meetings and dinners). Her smile fell when she further examined the heavily pregnant woman: Zelena looked tired, sick, and irritable. She wondered why the irritation, and then her eyes happened upon the two otherworldly demons.

"Did Hades send his minions to babysit you?" Regina struggled to hold back a laugh. She knew her sister well enough to know that these minions would set off her temper.

"He thinks I'm an invalid!" Zelena yelled in response, storming into the house.

"He's only doing this because he cares." The redhead rolled her eyes, walking into the dining room and taking a seat at the table. The Charming's, Emma, Henry, and Robin were already settled and waiting for the meeting to begin.

"Did you find anything to combat memory curses?" David began, sensing that Zelena was in one of her many moods induced by hormones, decided to take an easy approach.

"Nothing yet. I got distracted, but I'm confident that I'm on the right track." She placed her spellbook in the middle of the table, opening to a page on magical vaccines.

"Um, Your Wickedness?" Pain interrupted, remembering the other half of their instructions. Panic realized what his companion was about to say, and started to shake.

Zelena clenched her jaw, but remained calm. She had to remind herself her present company would be gone soon, and it wasn't worth the increase in blood pressure getting angry would cause.

"What do you want?"

"I just remembered, Hades said to tell you that he's been delayed: he won't be home until the day after tomorrow." What did he just say? That she was going to be stuck with these idiots for another 24 hours? Zelena finally lost the rest of her patience.

"HADES!" With a wave of her hand, Pain and Panic were sent flying through the roof. She was absolutely going to kill her lover. Right after a well deserved nap.


	3. Arrival

"This _can't_ be happening." Hades muttered under his breath, staring at the newly received text from David. He didn't have time to deal with Team Hero and their problems, not when Zelena was hours away from the start of labor.

"What does Prince Useless want?" Zelena asked, having read the text over his shoulder.

"Apparently, my brother's in town looking for me. He's…. intrigued to know how I ended my banishment." Then it hit him: Zelena was standing over his shoulder, and _not_ staying in bed like he asked her to.

"Zelena! What are you doing up? Is it the baby? Are you feeling well?" She waved him off, choosing to make herself breakfast.

"I'm fine, and I swear to the gods if you don't stop panicking I'll really give you something to worry about." It was strange, for the past week she had felt almost normal- no pain, no nausea- come to think of it, no fetal movement either.

"I'm not panicking!" His hair erupted in blue flames, indicating that the god's previous statement was a lie. Hades was very, very stressed.

"Whale said I have another week before the baby arrives, so calm down and tell David you'll deal with Zeus." No. His magic told him that she didn't have another week, but trying to explain that to his stubborn girlfriend was a fool's errand: The Mills gene might as well be synonymous with "sassy pain in the ass". Of course, Hades would never say that to Zelena's face if he wanted to live another day.

"Alright, but promise me you'll go relax. Stay off your feet at least."

"Fine. I'll go lay down for a bit." Zelena relented, retreating to their bedroom for a nap.

"I love you, my goddess!" With that, the god teleported to the Charming's apartment.

"Hades! Did you figure out how to deal with Zeus?" Snow wasted no time in getting down to business- the whole town could be in danger.

"He'll probably want to talk. I'll tell him to meet me outside of town, away from everyone." The god scribbled a message on a conjured piece of paper and sent it away with a wave of his hand. Hopefully, distracting his idiotic brother wouldn't take long and he could get back to worrying about his daughter's arrival.

"Good idea. Do you want us to stay with Zelena in the meantime? Just in case something happens?" Hades was surprised- he didn't expect them to care. It was refreshing.

"That would be most welcome, thank you. She's sleeping now, I don't expect there to be any trouble."

"We'll keep you posted. Good luck!" Hades nodded in response and then left, deciding to not keep the king of Olympus waiting.

"I would say it's nice to see you Zeus, but I'd be lying." The two gods decided on a meeting spot that wouldn't attract attention- the middle of the woods.

"Pleasant, as always." Zeus conjured a chair and made himself comfortable.

"Why are you here, brother?" He needed to get back to Zelena and make sure she was safe. He didn't know if the rest of Olympus knew about her, and planned to keep it that way.

"How familiar are you with the terms of your banishment?"

"Let's see…frozen heart, eternal damnation, solitude, and- oh yeah- surrounded by dead people."

"Not that. The removal of your banishment." _Shit._

"The True Love's Kiss thing? Yeah, you made your rules pretty clear." _Don't bring her up, don't bring her up-_

"Where is she, Hades? I'd like to meet the mortal that broke your curse." Hades saw red, and began to clench his fists. There was no way he was getting near Zelena.

"Did you think I wouldn't notice? You're obviously out of the underworld with a beating heart- so someone broke the curse. I won't ask again- where is your lover?"

"None of your business."

"Oh, but it is. There are a few things I neglected to tell you, seeing as I never planned for this curse to be broken. If you managed to break your curse, any future offspring you sired could contend for control over Mt. Olympus." Hades' jaw dropped. Did his brother just imply what he thought he did?

"Don't look at me like that. I was in a good mood that day and put it in the fine print for laughs." Zeus dropped the friendly tone, done playing nice.

"Now that you know all the details, all I need you to do is hand her over."

"So you can kill her? I don't think so. What makes you think we'd even have children?"

"Because you have one on the way." Hades' stomach dropped. He now knew why his brother made a surprise visit, and it wasn't good.

"How do you know that?"

"Wrestled it out of Pain and Panic, some loyal minions you have." Hades then made a split second decision to leave before things broke out into a fight. He didn't have the time for a drawn out duel today.

"Sorry to cut this short, but gotta go!" Lord Death disappeared in his signature wave of blue fire, hoping that things at home were as he left them.

Zeus went into a fit of rage, yelling after his departed brother: "ENJOY FATHERHOOD WHILE YOU CAN, HADES!"

Turns out that Zelena went into labor during his meeting, and was taken to the hospital by Snow and Charming. By the time Hades showed up, Zelena had already been taken into a room for examination. He was just about to enter when Charming grabbed his arm and dragged him out into the hallway.

"Hey, can we talk before you go in there?" David asked, wanting information.

"Long story short, Zeus wants the baby." The two men winced as muffled sounds of things being thrown were heard in the distance. Hades would give Whale a medal for his patience.

"Are you going to tell Zelena?"

"Not while she's in labor. It'll just make things worse."

"I don't think she can get much worse- she pretty much ripped my arm off on the way here." Hades nodded knowingly, he had been on the receiving end of her murderous mood swings on multiple occasions.

"Thank you for getting her here. What did I miss?"

"Well, she made multiple death threats towards Whale for refusing her the epidural and almost set the hospital on fire, but she's been pretty mild tempered by her standards."

"Why would he not give her the epidural?"

"Something about the labor progressing too quickly." The prince pushed Hades into the room before Zelena could ask about Hades' whereabouts.

"Good luck! Have fun with the she- demon!" Hades groaned.

Zelena was certain being ripped in half would actually hurt less. She had curled into a ball on her side, holding onto Hades' hand like her life depended on it. Five hours in, and she was a sweaty, exhausted mess: Contractions came in close waves, which sent a stabbing pain throughout her body, she felt an unbearable pressure on her hips, and was overall drained of energy.

Hades had given himself the job of periodically wiping down Zelena's face with a cold cloth, which he knew provided some relief.

"You're doing great, love, just keep breathing." He looked down at her limp form on the hospital bed- she looked so pale and fragile.

"I hate you." It lacked her usual bite, as she screamed through another contraction.

"Almost there, just picture our baby in your arms."

"I'm picturing your heart in my hands as I crush it-" Her eyes widened and she suddenly rolled over onto her back, instincts causing her to lift her knees towards her chest.

"Go get Whale! She's coming!"

It took a full twenty minutes, but Zelena gave birth to a healthy baby girl weighing six pounds and five ounces.

"Aria." The new mother declared, cradling the screaming infant to her chest. She felt close to crying she was so happy. Their little girl was perfect.

"A name fit for a queen." Hades agreed, mesmerized by the tiny bundle in his lover's arms. She had her father's grey eyes and traces of Zelena's red hair.

"Indeed." Zelena proceeded to breast-feed Aria, and Hades wanted to stay in this moment forever.

"Did you tell her?" Snow White burst into the room, clearly frantic. David probably updated her on the Zeus problem, triggering the princess' need to help others. And now Hades was a dead man walking.

Zelena's good mood vanished, turning to glare at Hades.

"Tell me what?"

 _Dammit Snow._


	4. Outtakes, Part 1

**Scene 1**

"Alright little lady, what will it be tonight?" Hades asked, looking at the newborn held snug against his chest. Bright blue eyes met his own, staring up at him inquisitively. Usually it was Zelena that rocked her to sleep at night, but tonight she was simply too tired to do so, and handed their demigoddess off to her father instead. Not that Hades was complaining: he loved every minute he spent with his little bundle of sunshine.

"Let's see…" Hades thought to himself, racking his brain for suitable bedtime stories that wouldn't end up scarring her for life. He came up with nothing, at first, but then remembered that blasphemous Disney movie he was featured in. Inaccuracies aside, it was a way to tell a child friendly version of his story to Aria. Getting comfortable in the rocking chair with the baby snuggled against him, he began the tale.

"Once upon a time in Ancient Greece, there was a religious system based on gods and goddesses- immortals with extraordinary powers. Although there were many, the only important one was named Hades, and he was the heir to Mount Olympus, royalty among his kind." Hades tried his best to stick to the Disney version, but a lifetime of resentment didn't suddenly go away now that he was in the mortal realm. He continued the story more like a rant, not caring that Aria had no hope of understanding him: it was cathartic.

"He had two brothers, Zeus and Poseidon, that wanted the throne as well. But Hades was beloved by the mortals that worshipped him, and that made his brothers jealous. So one day, when their father was assigning them their inheritance, Zeus threw an epic tantrum like the arrogant troll he was, causing our hero to lose everything. His father gave in to Zeus, banishing poor Hades to the Underworld for all eternity. The mortals now feared him for being the god of death, and his life went to literal hell." Lord Death paused to see if Aria was asleep yet, gently peeling back the pink blanket she was wrapped in. Blue eyes were now drooping, almost nodding off. He would have to continue, then.

"He was miserable. People just kept dying, and soon his fiery home was overrun by wailing morons with unfinished business. So he did his job, completely alone, wishing he had companionship. But he soon found that was impossible, given that Zeus stopped his heart." Aria gave a little cry, as if she was sympathizing with her father.

"I agree, how tragic." Hades stroked the top of her head in comfort.

"But our hero wasn't giving up! He searched all the realms for the woman that could break his curse, and for years he came up empty handed. So he waited and waited hundreds of years, until one day he found her. A powerful sorceress more beautiful than Aphrodite herself (but that stays between you and me, little one). They fell in love, and had a precious baby daughter that Hades loved to the moon and back. And in time, Princess Aria would hopefully have lots of siblings to play with. The end." At the conclusion of his monologue-like rant, Aria was out like a light, in a deep sleep.

 **Scene 2**

"Are you ever going to put her down?" Regina chuckled, watching the legendary god hold his newborn to his chest like his life depended on it.

"I can't. Every time I try she cries, and it just stabs me in the heart." Hades looked down at his tiny daughter, snoozing away in his embrace. She was the most adorable baby he ever saw, but he was also very, very biased.

"You look tired, Hades. When was the last time you got a full night's sleep?" He racked his brain- 48 hours ago? Then again, he was a god, and his perception of time was skewed.

"A few days, but I don't need that much sleep. What's more important is tending to my little goddess' desires: she's more demanding than a mob of souls with unfinished business, much like her mother." He ended the statement with an adoring kiss to the top of Aria's head.

"Which is why Zelena called me, I'm on baby duty until the two of you are fully rested." Hades froze. How was he supposed to part with his bundle of sunshine for more than a couple of minutes? What if she needed him?

"It's sweet of you to offer, but I have things under control." Regina said nothing, raising an eyebrow in question.

"She's not the first child to be placed in my care, everything will be fine. Now hand her over before you pass out standing up." Hades hesitated. Zelena was the only person he trusted with Aria, and she was asleep. However, taking a much needed rest appealed to him.

"Alright, but if you hurt her, I hurt you."

"Understood."

"Your death will be long and painful."

"Quit trying my patience, Lord Overprotective" The demigoddess was carefully placed in her aunt's arms. And surprisingly, Aria stayed asleep.


	5. An Unforeseen Development

_Three years later- Emerald Palace, Oz_

"I leave for a few years and the munchkins singlehandedly ruin everything I worked for."

After reviewing the comprehensive packet of papers given to her by the Lollipop Guild, Zelena felt a massive headache coming on, and she began to rub her temples in frustration. When she left Oz for the Enchanted Forest, the realm was financially stable enough to govern itself until she returned- or so she thought. She had spent her time as the Wicked Witch developing the economy so that the people living under her rule would be content with their lives, and would not dare to overthrow her. Yes, it was misguided, but effective: the munchkins had enough gold to build their stupid yellow brick road, the other witches had all the magical trinkets they desired, and Dorothy…well, she had dealt with her, hadn't she?

"You'll figure it out love, you always have." Hades entered the library with Aria on his hip, offering up emotional support and a much needed neck massage.

"That was before I became Empress." Zelena had shouldered her new responsibility quite well for the first couple of months, but now she could feel the literal weight of her emerald tiara growing and growing with each passing day.

"And I have never been more proud of you." He put their daughter down, so she could play with the blocks in the corner, and leaned over the desk to kiss his wife.

"Tell me that tomorrow, after I meet with Glinda. I'm sure she hasn't forgotten how I banished her to the North." Sighing, the monarch rubbed the spot on her stomach where their son was kicking.

"Get some rest. You and Alexander both need it." Yes, a nice bath followed by a long nap sounded quite nice.

"My sister too." Aria commented, continuing to focus on her block tower. Hades and Zelena both turned their heads towards their firstborn, confused.

"Mommy's having a boy, princess." The statement was more to reassure herself, a hand coming to cradle her rounded bump. Her magic had told her the child was a boy- she was sure she had gotten it right. Right?

"I know." Aria made her way towards her mother, touching the left side of her stomach.

"He's right here." The three-year-old moved her hand to the right side.

"Here's my sister." Hades and Zelena were stunned into silence.

"That can't be right. I mean, you are larger than your last pregnancy, but I didn't want to say anything"- Hades tried to reason, but the glare from his wife promptly shut him up.

"How did you know, baby?" Zelena had moved from her desk to the sofa in the corner so that she could properly embrace her daughter.

Aria's eyes glowed purple as she again reached for her mother's pregnant stomach.

"They talk to me. Like this." Telepathy- an incredibly difficult skill to master, especially at three years old. Hades wrinkled his brow, processing the information.

"Aren't you a powerful little thing?" Zelena hit him on the shoulder, not amused.

"What? She's a demigod, these things happen. Can we focus on the fact that we are having two children instead of one? We have to come up with another name."

Aria had made herself comfortable on her mother's chest, drifting off to sleep.

"It's not her magic I'm worried about. It's the interest it's going to generate. Do you know how many archaic spells require a demigod heart? And the fact that we haven't heard from your brother since the day she was born." Hades could see her becoming more stressed by the minute, trying to calm herself by stroking their daughter's red curls.

"I won't let anyone touch the four of you, love." He proclaimed, kissing the top of his wife's head.

"Let's not focus on what could happen. You're Empress, I'm still Lord Death, we have two babies on the way…"

"You're right. Which reminds me, we're going to need double the amount of baby supplies." Hades just groaned.


	6. Help Me

Robin Locksley liked to think nothing could surprise him. Flying monkeys? Didn't phase him. Falling head over heels in love with the Evil Queen? He saw it coming. But absolutely nothing compared to finding Hades on his doorstep, looking completely at a loss.

"You gotta help me." The god didn't bother waiting for a response before barging into the white mansion.

"I'm sorry?" Nothing about this made sense. Hades would never leave Zelena by herself, especially in another realm.

"You're married to a Mills, right?" Since when did he care so much about his and Regina's relationship?

"That's correct." Hades began pacing the floor, hand up at his hair pulling and tugging.

"How do you manage? How has Regina not eaten you alive?" That was a really good question. How, indeed.

"My dashing good looks? My bedroom skills? Who knows." Then it hit Robin. Hades wasn't having marriage trouble, per say.

"It's the pregnancy hormones again, isn't it?" He knew that look on Hades' face, as it was the same one he wore when Regina gave birth to their daughter, Raina. The Queen was an absolute terror to all around her, and Robin could imagine a similar situation happening to his brother in law.

"You don't understand. She's like a raging hurricane that one minute wants to kill me and another wants to jump my bones. There's no in between."

"Isn't she on bed rest?" A twin pregnancy had turned out to be more difficult for Zelena to endure, and Dr. Whale had suggested a month of best rest until delivery. A suggestion that was met with a fireball to the face from one seriously moody redhead.

"Try telling Zelena Mills no. Just try." Robin winced, he could sympathize.

"I see your point." Robin scratched his head, trying to come up with a solution that didn't end horribly.

"Well, with Regina, I just ran. Ran far, far away until she cooled down. The make up sex was well worth it." Hades was seriously considering the advice.

"It could work."

"See? And then, when this is all over, stop having sex altogether. Best form of birth control."

Hades gave him a look that said, "you can't be serious".

"You're telling me to just stop being intimate with a woman that is so smoking hot it should be a sin? So beautiful that she makes angels cry? Not happening, try harder." Robin just facepalmed.

"Alright, I get it. You're incredibly attracted to your wife. I don't need a mental picture."

"Don't look at me like that, you feel the same way about Regina."

"Damn straight- sexiest queen in all the realms." Robin paused, thinking about what he just said.

"Stop getting off topic- why are you here again?" This was turning out to be the strangest conversation Robin ever had in his life.

"I can't go back to Oz with no game plan." What was Hades expecting? A miracle?

"Look, just keep doing what you're doing. You're still alive, right?"

"Some help you are. You don't have to live with her."

"No, but I married her sister. I can imagine." Hades sighed- he might as well face the music, no use in procrastinating.

"If you don't hear from me by tomorrow, assume I can't make it to our weekly Rabbit Hole visit."

"You'll be fine. She probably hasn't even noticed you left." Right as Robin said that, there was a loud bang in the distance, followed by a growing green tornado.

"You were saying?" Robin gulped and quickly ran for cover.

"Ok you win, we're screwed!"


	7. Wicked With Twins

If you told anyone in Storybrooke that the Wicked Witch would settle down, marry the Lord of the Underworld, and give birth to three children in the span of three years, they wouldn't believe you. In fact, it was such a contrast that when Snow came to visit Regina one day she had to do a double take. Zelena, dressed casually in a T shirt and jeans, was passed out on Regina's couch with both newborns on her chest. There was no sign of Aria, who Snow assumed was with Hades.

"It's hard to believe that she's the same woman that kidnapped Neal." Snow commented to Regina, who covered her sister up with a blanket.

"I'm just happy we get along." Regina said, leading Snow out to the kitchen.

"I offered to help out with the twins- she's exhausted."

"But she loves them more than anything, that's what counts." Snow responded, helping herself to a cup of coffee. "What did she name them? I heard it was a tough delivery."

"Alexander and Aliya. And yes, she was in labor for 24 hours." Both women cringed at that- they both had pretty easily and fast labors with Neal and Raina, but Regina distinctly remembered Zelena cursing her husband out for a good hour.

"Well, tell her I offer my help if she wants it. Where's Hades?"

"Currently beating the shit out of Hyde. It turns out we don't have to concern ourselves with him anymore. Make sure to tell Emma that." Snow raised an eyebrow- this had classic Hades written all over it.

"He threatened Zelena, didn't he?" Regina nodded, taking a good gulp of her own coffee.

"Hades found out that Hyde and his minions wanted to experiment on the twins, exploiting their immortality, and were planning on killing Zelena to achieve that. You can fill in the blanks." Snow could indeed- while Zelena was no damsel in distress herself, Hades was still very protective of her and his family.

"So now what? Are we finally back to normal around here?"

"Hardly. I have to take Raina to the Enchanted Forest for her official christening, which will cement her as my heir. Remember?" Regina sighed, rubbing her temples. The stress of organizing such a grand ceremony was starting to show, but her daughter deserved it. The two-year-old was going to inherit the largest empire in all of the realm's recorded history. And besides, no one was going to argue against the wishes of the Evil Queen.

"Right. I forgot that's next week." Snow had a hard time at relinquishing control of her kingdom to Regina at first, but soon realized that Regina was really a good queen- when she wasn't killing people.

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to check on my sister. She's been asleep all day."

Zelena woke up to a strange sensation- the twins had begun to root around her chest in search of food, crying in frustration.

"Alright my little munchkins, Mummy will feed you in a second." She was groggy, hair an untamed mess of curls, and still felt like she could sleep for days. The most talented sorceress in all the realms, and she was completely wiped.

So it was no surprise that when Jafar showed up posing a threat to her quiet domestic household, he was dealt with personally by one enraged and sleep deprived Wicked Witch.


	8. Hades Gets A Pet

"HADES!" The feminine shriek echoed throughout the house, causing the god to cringe.

"Yes, dearest?" He shot back, bouncing infant Alexander in his arms.

"Why is there a large, three-headed hellhound in my yard?" _Shit._ Cerberus was early, and now he didn't have time to explain to his lovely hot tempered wife that they were getting a pet.

"He's our new pet." Hades announced, strolling into the room, hoping that the presence of their son would keep things calm.

"No, he's not." She barked, causing the dog outside to pout.

"Babe, you hurt Cerberus' feelings." Hades pointed out, still wearing the "I made this" expression of amazement whenever he was around the twins. The Lord of the Underworld had turned into a total sap, and he loved it.

"We can't have a hellhound in Storybrooke." Zelena's argument came to a screeching halt when their three-year-old ran out into the yard and gleefully screamed:

"DOGGIE!" The fact that it had three heads didn't seem to bother her, and quickly wrapped her tiny arms around the dog's legs.

"Mine?" Aria's parents watched as Cerberus rolled over onto his back as the demigoddess jumped on top of him.

"See? Aria likes him." Hades gloated, joining his daughter in the yard. "He'll be the best guard dog." He continued, hoping to persuade his wife to keep the dog.

"Fine. But if he tears up the house, it's your responsibility." Hades was smug, passing Alexander to his mother.

"You'll soon learn that your mother is a softie under her wicked exterior." Zelena rolled her eyes, continuing to watch Aria and Cerberus play in the yard.

"You're lucky I love you, you dork."

"Does that mean I get lucky tonight?" It was a subject that hadn't left Hades' mind since the birth of the twins. Zelena had refused to touch him, which was understandable, but now it had been six months. A god had needs, especially when an absolute goddess occupied his bed.

"There's no way in hell I'm sleeping with you, at least for a couple more months." Zelena spat back, the agony of the twins' birth still fresh in her mind. It turned out that this realm's birth control was no match for the seed of an immortal.

" _Zelena!_ " Hades whined. "We make such beautiful babies! Look at Alexander!" The infant cooed in his mother's arms, but it wasn't enough to sway her.

"I will compromise. We can spoon naked, but if you get too touchy-feely I'm kicking you out of the bed."

"Done." It wasn't what he wanted, but it was better than nothing.

"Men." At that moment, Zelena's phone went off.

"It's Regina- she's pregnant again." The witch was truly happy for her sister- they had let bygones be bygones, and they had become really close- Aria and Raina were more like sisters than cousins.

"That could be us." The redhead just laughed, giving her husband a kiss on her way back in the house.

"Two years!" She did want more children, but they often disagreed on the timeline.

"You evil woman!" Zelena made sure to put that extra sway in her hips as she walked.

"Not evil dear, wicked!" And honestly, Hades wouldn't have it any other way.


	9. Killian's PTSD

Go to Zelena's house, they said. It would be ok, they said. Killian had instead left the home slightly traumatized and in need of mind bleach.

Emma and company had sent him as the messenger to a certain god, needing his extensive knowledge of ancient magic. Killian didn't want to at first, still uneasy around a particular redhead, but they were family now. Nothing was going to happen- or so he thought.

He walked up to the front porch, noticing that the front door was slightly cracked open. Concerned, he cautiously entered the home, noting that it was quiet. The lights were on, but no one seemed to be home. And then he entered the living room, and wished he hadn't.

"BLOODY HELL!" He screamed, scrambling to cover his eyes. It was just after lunch time, and Mr. and Mrs. Lord of the Underworld were fucking like there was no tomorrow. He only got a glimpse, but it was enough. Zelena was riding her husband hard on the sofa, red curls thankfully covering her front. Upon his scream, they stopped, and the Wicked Witch immediately covered herself with her arms.

"It's the middle of the day! I come to ask your advice, not watch you conceive your next kid!" Killian was thoroughly disgusted- he liked to think the couple's three children just randomly spawned by magic.

"You could have knocked!" The sorceress spat, crawling off her husband and magically dressed herself, Hades following suit.

"The door was open! Anyone could have walked in!" He couldn't look anyone in the eye, seeing more of Regina's wicked sister than he ever wanted to. Although he had to admit, she was gorgeous, much like the rest of the Mills women, if you were into crazy.

"Alright! Let's just…move on." Hades was much more calm about the whole situation, probably from living on Olympus for hundreds of years- where orgies were more common.

"Fine, fine. We need your help about an artifact Emma found. There's ancient Greek writing carved into it- maybe a weapon?"

"I'll take a look. Now if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to finish what my wife and I started." Killian didn't need to be told twice to GTFO. He gladly left the house as fast as he could.

"So what did Hades say?" Emma asked, noticing that her boyfriend had been jumpy all day.

"Uh, he'll look at it later. Much later, in fact."

"Oh? Why is that?" Regina prompted, enjoying the fact that Hook was clearly uncomfortable.

"He's…busy doing your sister. I know this because I saw more than I ever wanted to."

Henry, Snow, and Charming cringed, feeling his pain, as they each have walked in on Regina and Robin at least once.

"Hey, at least it wasn't Gold and Belle."

"Not helping Emma! I feel like I never want to have sex again."

"Don't be so dramatic."

"Easy for you to say! You didn't see them go at each other like"-

"Ok ok! We get it. You're traumatized, duly noted."

Killian just shrugged and went on with his day, until the sight of his couch gave him flashbacks. It was going to be a long week.


	10. MotherDaughter Halloween

Zelena was relatively new to the modern world, so the concept of moving pictures confused the hell out of her at first. She had to force herself to learn, however, when Aria came home from school demanding to watch a movie. And it wasn't just any movie: it was that damned Wizard of Oz wannabe.

"Mommy, can we watch the Wizard of Oz? Miss Blanchard said it was a classic Halloween movie!" Zelena was beginning to see why her sister hated the princess so much, as the words from her daughter's mouth made her blood boil.

They hadn't told Aria about her mother's past just yet, letting their daughter enjoy her childhood in Storybrooke without the burden of having a villainous mother (and father). She knew of Oz and magic, obviously, but not that her mother was the infamous Wicked Witch, or that her father literally ruled hell. Zelena was going to kill Snow for bringing up that inaccurate film- it was going to ruin Aria's perception of her forever.

"Sure, sweetness. Go get changed, and I'll make us popcorn" The redheaded witch kissed her beloved firstborn on the head and went to check on the twins. If this turned Aria against her, Storybrooke was going to have one less royal.

"Look mommy, it's the witch!" Aria said, using Zelena's mass of curls to hide behind, buried in her shoulder.

"I see that." She said with gritted teeth- this version made her look so…ugly.

"Why is she mad at Dorothy?"

"The house landed on her sister, and Dorothy stole her shoes." Ugh, why did she say that? Now Aria was going to think all she cared about were shoes and other trivial things.

"Oh." The little girl blurted out, holding on to a fistful of Zelena's hair.

"She's scary." Oh, this was fucking fantastic. They hadn't even gotten to the flying monkey part yet.

"It's just a movie, munchkin." What else was she supposed to say to comfort her daughter? That she wasn't real?

The movie progressed, and they had reached the part in the woods with the monkeys when Hades came home. He glanced at the tv screen, and without thinking about it, blurted:

"Oh hey look kiddo, it's your mother!" If looks could kill, Zelena's icy stare would have put him in the ground ten times over. He didn't get it. Everyone knew who his wife's fairytale persona was, except- _shit. Double shit._

"Is she scared of you?" He whispered, glancing at Aria. The girl's eyes were wide, staring at the TV screen, and then back at Zelena.

"What do you think?" Zelena hissed, gathering their child in her arms, smoothing her hair.

"Mommy was the Wicked Witch?" Aria placed both hands on Zelena's cheeks, as if trying to reconcile the image of the green skinned, grotesque looking witch with the woman she knew as her mother.

"A long time ago, yes." Aria tensed, but Zelena was quick to squash any fears.

"I'm not that woman anymore, baby. I'd never hurt you. _Never._ No matter what anyone says, I love you." The demigoddess surprised her by immediately reaching for Hades, who looked apologetic. Zelena had excused herself, feeling hurt and betrayed by her own blood.

They had watched the movie a few days before Halloween, and Aria had continued to avoid her like the plague. But it wasn't for the reasons she expected.

"Go on, princess. Show Mommy who you want to be for Halloween." Hades prompted, sending the child upstairs to change into her costume.

"With my luck it'll be a witch hunter. Complete with a pitchfork and everything. Angry mob not included." Zelena scowled, letting her husband know just how angry she was at him at the moment.

"I wouldn't be so sure. I had a little talk with our demoness, and I think she understood."

"Then why hasn't she acknowledged me in any way?"

"She wanted it to be a surprise." Did he mean the costume? And then they were interrupted by an impatient yell from the top of the stairs.

"Surprise!" Zelena's heart swelled at the sight, and she couldn't help but tear up. Aria was dressed in an exact replica of one her mother's Oz outfits, complete with hat and a broom.

"I'm you!" Her little girl was beaming, awaiting Zelena approval.

"I love it, munchkin! Mummy thought you were angry with her." She bent down to hug her daughter, looking up at Hades, who also had a tear in his eye- though he'd never admit it.

"I helped." He admitted, leaving the two of them alone to give Cerberus his daily elk bone.

"Sorry I thought you were scary." Aria suddenly paused, like she just thought of something.

"Will you be my twin for trick or treat? We have to match." _This_ was a magical request Zelena was more than happy to oblige, changing into a duplicate outfit in a swirl of green smoke.

"Did daddy tell you what to say when you ask for candy?" The mini-Zelena shook her head, no.

"Nope." The elder witch conjured a ball of green fire to make her next point.

"Wicked always wins!" Aria grinned, trying her best to make a small fireball of her own.

"That's my girl!" Zelena took her hand, leading her out of the house to start the night. Hades wasn't too far behind with the twins, dressed as a toned down version of his Disney self.

"Now let's go show Storybrooke how to have fun _Mills_ style!" Hades chuckled- every now and then his wife's voice would take on that mischievous tone that was so iconic.

"Take her on a broom ride, dearest." And with their daughter's large doe eyes, how could she refuse?

"This town and its bloody witches!" Will Scarlet mumbled after a cackling redhead and her mini me zoomed by on a broom, nearly knocking him over.

"Speaking of witches, where's Regina?" Little John commented, helping his friend regain his balance.

"Probably inside, she doesn't do Halloween." Alan added, the party walking down the street to the Rabbit Hole.

"Oh really? Shows what you know." Little John responded, pointing to Raina in the scarily accurate Evil Queen outfit. Like Aria, she also had a matching twin.

"I'm going inside before one of them puts a spell on me or something." Will declared, getting drunk. And he could have sworn his beer had turned to apple cider at some point…


	11. Meet The Black Fairy

Hades may be a god, but his wife was the real goddess. She had taken to motherhood so beautifully, and he wasn't just talking about her intuition. Delivering a set of twins had given her a new set of curves for him to appreciate. Not that Zelena agreed with him.

"None of my bras fit!" She had yelled at him a week after bringing the twins home, throwing one of her black lacy bras in his direction.

"It's because you're lactating, dearest. I wouldn't call that a problem." Hades shot back, unable to tear his eyes away from his now topless wife, bare chest heaving with her anger.

"You did this to me." The sorceress grumbled, finally deciding to cover herself in a robe after rummaging through her closet: it wouldn't be long before her little munchkins' next feeding, judging by how sore her breasts were.

"I'll remember that when you want to resume our nighttime exercises!" He yelled after his retreating wife, on her way to the nursery.

Zelena responded by magically slamming their bedroom door in his face.

"Babe." Hades grumbled at 1 AM, waking up to realize that his hand laying across Zelena's chest was damp.

"What the hell do you want?" Zelena's mumbled into the pillow, kicking him lightly to show her displeasure.

"I think you should go feed our little demigods." Hades explained, showing her his wet hand.

"Don't wait up." The witch groggily replied, still half asleep as she got up to attend to her impatient two month old babies. Wonder where they got that from.

"Mummy's right here, my loves." Alexander calmly blinked up at his mother, responding to her light melodic voice as she cooed at them. Aliya, however, was about to have a diva fit that only Zelena's breast could solve.

"It's alright Aliya" The mother of three sat down in the nearby rocking chair and cradled both of her twins against bare skin, guiding a nipple into each gummy mouth.

"That's better, isn't it?" Zelena asked to her happily suckling infants, leaning back into the cushioned chair. Now content that the crisis was solved, she was about to doze off, but before she could do so a shadowy figure teleported into the room.

"Oh perfect! I was hoping to catch you at a good time!" The figure giggled, stepping into the light. Zelena immediately recognized this figure as Rumple's mother and tightened her hold on her son and daughter, conjuring a blanket to cover herself. If this bitch was here to threaten her, she had another thing coming.

"What in the bloody hell do you want, fairy?" Zelena barked, flexing her right arm to get the magic flowing through in case she needed it.

"The final battle is approaching." Fiona began, glancing hungrily at the bundles in Zelena's arms.

"And in order for it to begin I need a pure demigod heart. Do you know how hard they are to come by? I was told you could help me with that." The malevolent woman stepped closer, running a finger across Alexander's cheek.

"Looks like it's my lucky day- there are two!" Zelena threw her arm out and tossed the flying mosquito across the room to get the threat away from her children.

"I'm sorry but my children are off limits. You'll have to try the local orphanage!" She sounded strong but on the inside she was panicking. Where was Hades?

"Oh, are you thinking about your god?" Fiona coughed, picking herself up off the wall. "He's incapacitated at the moment, taking a nice nap. Won't be able to hear your screams." Without thinking, she launched into attack mode. Rumple's mother had messed with the wrong witch.

Acting off of pure instinct, the Wicked Witch released a blast of light magic so strong that Fiona was forced to abandon her efforts. For now, anyway, as she disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

"Do you think that noir colored nit learned her lesson, my darlings?" The redhead whispered, as somehow both of the twins were fast asleep.

Tenderly placing them back into their cribs, giving each one a kiss, Zelena went to check on her husband. Fiona did drug him, but Zelena happily noted that it would wear off eventually.

"Next time it's your turn." She yawned, the adrenaline fading away. The sorceress was out before her head hit the pillow.


End file.
